The Dilemma
by Roscommon
Summary: A trifle. Another response to the 100-word challenge. I was amused by the thought of the Stephanie we know from the books being forced to say something important in 100 words or less. One begins to see the difficulty...
1. The Dilemma

_There may be a few 100-word entries in this series. The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**The Dilemma**

* * *

Powdered sugar donuts or chocolate filled? Jelly or Butterscotch Krimpets?  
Goonies or Ghostbusters? Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery?

Joe or Ranger?

Why two options; why this stupid urgency to choose?

Because Joe says: "In 100 words, choose Ranger or me." Is he nuts? Has he ever met me?  
Why 100 words you ask? Because it's simple, he says. Simple for who?

Simple my butt!

Whiskey eyes or chocolate?

Satisfaction or ecstasy? Right now or maybe someday?

You're kidding, right?

Holy cow! Wait a minute... Which of them chooses _me_? Why isn't _that_ the question?

Jeez, come back when it is.


	2. It's Not Difficult

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**It's Not Difficult**

* * *

I can say "I love you" in three words. In fact, there they are: "_I love you_."  
Append "_And not Ranger_" and you're up to six. It's not difficult.

So given 100 words, why can't my Cupcake tell me she loves me?

I'm not Mr. Poetry, here, but I can freaking count. "She loves me, she loves me not…."  
Count just those words over-and-over; at 100 it stops at "She loves…."

Which reveals what _is_ difficult.

I can't hide it from myself anymore. My girlfriend won't say which man she loves.  
Which means she doesn't love _me_.

Big freaking surprise.


	3. I'm an Opportunist

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**I'm an Opportunist**

* * *

Morelli tells Stephanie that she needs to confess her love in 100 words, and now she's mad at _me_.

Hell, I was smart enough to _not_ give her an ultimatum. But if I'd known all I had to do was wait for that idiot to draw a line in the sand, I'd have planted the idea long ago.

Because a righteous Stephanie has fire sparking from her eyes; a furious Stephanie flares like an unleashed volcano. It's a thing of beauty. Just the challenge I've been waiting for.

I'm an opportunist, and that's the Stephanie to claim and never share.


	4. A Lot of Donuts

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**A Lot of Donuts**

* * *

Okay I'm giving up men.

I know it's the right decision when Joe turns his bedroom eyes on me, I start to melt, and then he murmurs, "Come over. Bob misses you."

He's pissed at _me_ because I won't describe my feelings in his dumb 100-word thing, but it's okay that he won't say that he, Joe Morelli, misses me?

Men are stupid. Which is confirmed when Ranger actually laughs when I tell him why I walloped Joe with my Macy's bag at Pino's.

I'm definitely going to need a lot of donuts, and probably a new shower head.


	5. Huh?

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Huh?**

* * *

Ranger totally didn't need me on this stakeout. Even my grandma could've spotted Tito Ferrabuno dragging the giant fern out of Denny's.

Probably Ranger knows I need cash.

While Ranger's guys wrestle Tito into the truck, I muse that this is my life: helping to apprehend repeat plant burglars alongside a drop-dead handsome man whose allure I'm determined to ignore.

"Still off men, Babe?" Ranger asks, breaking the silence.

I roll my eyes. Can't men think of anything but sex? "Ranger," I huff, "I'm taking time to really think about my options, for a change."

"Proud of you, Babe."

_Huh?_


	6. The Apology Is What Matters

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**The Apology Is What Matters**

* * *

I bring her favorite Pino's pizza to my Cupcake's place to apologize.

For what? I don't know, but my mother taught me that the apology is what matters to women. Because men will screw up, regardless. Thanks Mom.

So I go to Stephanie's apartment, knowing she might be there with the latest 'blind date' her mother found. Or even Ranger, God help me.

Scowling, Stephanie reminds me she's given up men. With the playful smile that has always worked, I reassure her that she'll get over it.

She shoves me out the door. And keeps the pizza.

What the hell?


	7. Is He Trying?

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Is He Trying?**

* * *

Ranger glides behind me as my neck tingles. "Babe, have a moment?" he murmurs. Connie glances at Lula as I follow Ranger.

Outside, he tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. Resting his hands on the alley wall behind me, Ranger leans close.  
I gasp as his thigh snugs between mine.

Ranger's full lips tease a smile as he floats one hand downward. "Babe, forget something?"

He pulls my .38 from his windbreaker pocket and hands it over. Then he half-winks and slips away,  
leaving me hot and bothered in the alley.

Is he trying to piss me off?


	8. Is This Maybe?

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Is This Maybe?**

* * *

Ranger's eyes, molten black in the darkness, remain fixed on mine while his fingers trace along my blouse. I shiver, my breath hitches, time stops. I relax into his touch, which has wandered expertly into private territory. Victoria's Secret is not secret any longer.

He leans forward, his brow arches provocatively, and a secretive smile traces his lips. "Love the outfit Babe," his voice murmurs low in my ear. "You never disappoint," his earthy breath ruffles my hair.

Then he gently removes the microphone, whispering, "Free for another distraction tomorrow night, Babe?"

I squint: is this maybe how Batman dates?


	9. But Seriously

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**But Seriously**

* * *

At first I think maybe Constantine Stiva escaped loony lockup when I see a vase of white lilies on my kitchen table. So I crouch with purse-as-a-deadly-weapon until I notice the Sam's Club "Sale" wrapper in the trash. And then the card labeled "For Cupcake."

Perhaps the gesture would have made more sense if I'd noticed the card first. But seriously: doesn't Joe know yet that flowers always come from stalkers?

Then I realize what's _really_ confusing is: since when does Joe give me flowers? This is new.

Okay, I think he's trying to be nice. But seriously: white lilies?


	10. Frequent Buyer's Card

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Frequent Buyer's Card**

* * *

As I watch Ranger sink a basket over Joe Morelli's head, I realize that attending this year's Trenton Serves fundraising basketball game was a huge mistake.

Reason one: Sweaty men. Reason two: Joe is wearing gym shorts that showcase the best ass in Trenton. Reason three: Ranger is wearing basketball shorts and it's obvious that he has buns of steel. Oh. My. God.

Connie claims I'm just being stubborn. Lula says probably I should get the Pleasure Treasures frequent buyer's card so I don't explode.

Meanwhile I've started to drool. Why am I off men, again? I'm starting to forget...


	11. Need a Hand?

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, product trademarks belong to their acknowledged owners, and I make no profit from any of them._

**Need a Hand?**

* * *

"Babe, need a hand?" Ranger asks casually, scaring the bajeezus out of me while I wrestle Zinky Dewalt behind McDonald's.

"Yikes! No!" I answer as Zinky elbows me. Marinaded in recycled cooking oil, Zinky slimes me, then ricochets into garbage cans. Lunging, Zinky splits a bulging trashbag over my head.

Calmly, Ranger uses some Special Forces move to drop Zinky and cuff him. Smirking at my unused handcuffs dangling locked from one slicked wrist, Ranger picks a Ronald McDonald Happy Meal figure from my hair. "Babe, see you like toys as well as oil. Good to know."

Mental head slap.


	12. Devil's Food

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Devil's Food**

* * *

"Your Father and I met the nicest man at the city dump today," my mother announces after describing how they finally jettisoned dad's eight-track tapes. "He's coming for dessert. I hope he likes Devil's Food cake."

"Mom!"

"You need to meet different men," she asserts.

_From the dump? Really? _

"Maybe he'll ask out Edna," Dad mumbles, watching his fork like it holds the winning lottery number instead of meatloaf.

"Is he a hottie like that stud Ranger?" Grandma Mazur asks. "I'd serve him cake anytime."

And of course, all I can imagine is Ranger smirking that he actually prefers pie.

* * *

_Author's Note: In honor of May 19, National Devil's Food Cake Day, 2015.  
__Who knew?_


	13. No Rap Sheet

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**No Rap Sheet**

* * *

Marc shakes his head and laughs. "Wow your life changed since college," making me chuckle.  
He raises his wineglass in a salute just as Joe sits down at our table.

"A new boyfriend?" Joe asked, an unreadable expression on his face.

_Sheesh. Really?_

Then I hear Ranger's voice a few tables away. "A friend from Rutgers. I checked; no rap sheet."

_You're kidding me._

Marc glances between both men. "Steph, do you know these guys?"

"Apparently yes," I answer glaring at Joe, then Ranger. Though I owe Connie five bucks;  
she correctly bet that Ranger would also crash my date.


	14. You Really Weren't Kidding

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**You Really Weren't Kidding**

* * *

Elliott from the dump is surprisingly nice. He's handsome too, likes hockey and brings food.  
Mom got almost everything right.

I reach for another Buffalo wing, my door snicks, and Ranger enters.

"Steph," Ranger nods. I roll my eyes as Ranger hands over my lost Maglite, then settles  
into my armchair like this is normal.

"You really weren't kidding..." Elliott stares.

"...about anything," Elliott adds as Joe saunters in.

"I brought beer," Joe announces, dropping next to Elliott on the couch.  
It's like a testosterone-themed episode of _Friends_ with hockey.

Elliott smiles.

I smile.

Elliott's about to reveal he's gay.


	15. A Lot More Donuts

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**A Lot More Donuts**

* * *

Lula and Connie return from a hasty trip to Tasty Pastry. I know I've gotten scary when I see the donut box is unopened.

"Here girlfriend," Lula thrusts the box at me. "You need these."

"Right now," Connie nods emphatically.

"Very funny," I glare as I grab a jelly donut and practically eat it in one bite. I lick a raspberry blob from my fingers, then box-dive for another pastry.

I would've taken care of this myself except I'd spotted Joe scowling inside Tasty Pastry this morning, and Ranger's Turbo was outside...

Jeez, I'm gonna need a lot more donuts.

* * *

_Author's Note: In honor of June 5, National Donut Day, 2015.  
I never knew there were so many days to officially celebrate pastries!_


	16. Maybe It's Time

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Maybe It's Time**

* * *

What's a cop's day like? That's easy: tedium punctuated by chaos.

But I can't say that to students at career day; I let Picky field those questions.  
I take the ones about prerequisites and fitness.

Hmm, tedium punctuated by chaos. Sounds familiar. My life in a nutshell.  
So maybe it isn't _tedium_. Maybe it's _routine_. Maybe it's _comfortable_.

Maybe it isn't _chaos_. Maybe it's Stephanie.

Maybe it's time to stop and think.

Because she won't say she loves me. Because I'm tired of running into Mañoso.  
Because I'm pursuing a woman who just set me up on a gay date.


	17. I Already Know

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**I Already Know**

* * *

I laughed for ten minutes when Steph told me about Morelli's flowers. But I laughed all night after I figured out about Elliott. Well played, Babe.

Seeing Morelli at Tasty Pastry when I arrived the next morning clarified things. Any tactic that repeatedly lands me with the cop is obviously the wrong one.

So, what's my play? I've seen Steph in action. If she were pursuing _me_, she'd find my habits, my foibles, my cravings. And that's right where she'd be. I'd raise my hands to the inevitability of my capture.

Smiling, I realize I already know my Babe's cravings.


	18. Rex Isn't Fooled

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Rex Isn't Fooled **

* * *

Rex watches me slip into my apartment, his whiskers twitching in amusement as I close the door. I feel him wondering why I haven't switched on the lights.

I mumble that it's late, I'm headed straight to sleep, but Rex isn't fooled. He knows I'm creating my own soup-can hideout. A place where Joe won't look for me after the game.

Yeah, Rex is right. Probably I shouldn't have given my Rangers ticket to Elliott.

But Connie's last-minute lingerie party invitation was too good to skip. And hey: when did monthly hockey games in the TPD seats become _dates_, anyway?


	19. Police Business

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Police Business**

* * *

Ranger strides over while Joe and Detective DeSouza are taking my statement. Smoke is  
still billowing from my car. _Hmm_, Vinnie was right: Kenny Dorkoff _is_ an arsonist.

Ranger leans in and wipes soot off my face. "Another car in heaven?" he asks gently,  
eyebrow arched. I nod.

Joe extends his hand, "Ranger not now." Then DeSouza adds, "Sir, this is police business."

Ranger moves closer. "Stephanie's security is _my_ business."

Joe looks heavenward, grumbling, "And you're doing such a fine job."

Tank appears, dragging Kenny in cuffs. "Got your firebug."

Joe exhales. "Why does Vinnie bail these assholes out?"


	20. Good Clean Fun

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Good Clean Fun**

* * *

Running on foot through the car wash isn't the worst thing about apprehending Max Zipper.  
It's not even having to say his name when I bring him for re-booking.

Nope: it's the suds dripping down my face and blouse.

"Jimmy, toss Steph your roll of paper towels," Joe shouts over the banter while helping  
Big Dog wrestle soapy Max from my hands.

Carl laughs. "Hey Joe, glad to see Steph likes having good clean fun."

Joe rolls his eyes and flips Carl the one-fingered bird. Then he drapes his windbreaker  
over my shoulders. "Another excellent day fighting crime," Joe mutters.


	21. That I Can Manage

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, product trademarks belong to their acknowledged owners, and I make no profit from any of them. I simply play with them over breakfast on otherwise busy and challenging days. _:)

**That I Can Manage**

* * *

My Babe enthusiastically welcomes two scoops of Chocolate Therapy in a cup. She's not waiting for a plastic spoon; she does impressive damage with the doll-sized tasting paddle.

Her moan as she licks her finger finally convinces me to get a Mango Sorbet. Something socially acceptable to occupy my hands and mouth.

"Ohmigod Ranger, the Ben &amp; Jerry's mall store should get shrine status. I feel better already."

"I'm glad Babe." Just like I'm glad I'd overheard her earlier lament about her crappy day. How she lives her life is her business; ways to make days better… that I can manage.

* * *

_In honor of National Ice Cream Day, which is loosely observed on the third Sunday in July. Since this is a bit late, I'm falling back to the fact that July is apparently National Ice Cream month (!) in the U.S. How totally awesome is that?_


	22. Moon Over the Parking Lot

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Moon Over the Parking Lot**

* * *

While leaving the QuickMart I see Lester sauntering from across the street, while my skip Joey Bastardo lurches past me, juggling three six packs.

"Stop him," I yell, sprinting toward Joey and his baggy pants.

I toss my saltines and peanut butter at him. Then I slip, but hit Joey with my purse as I fall. Cans of beer fly from his arms as he trips on his own pants.

I see two things: Pale Bastardo moon over the parking lot, and smashed saltines.

"I was wrong," Lester laughs as he cuffs Joey. "You do know how to have fun."


	23. Not That I Noticed

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Not That I Noticed**

* * *

I spear another piece of General Gau's Chicken as I mention how Joe told me to choose him  
or Ranger in 100 words.

After spewing his beer Elliott says, "First, a man who asks his girlfriend to choose him in  
100 words doesn't really have a girlfriend."

"Huh?"

"A hundred _words_? That's why God invented Hallmark. Love is something you express  
hundreds of _times_, not just in words." Elliott huffs. "Did he first choose _you_ in 100  
words?"

"Not that I noticed."

"A woman who doesn't notice her boyfriend declare his love in 100 words doesn't really  
have a boyfriend."


	24. Good Luck with Hiring People

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Good Luck with Hiring People**

* * *

Elliott clears takeout containers from the coffee table and laughs at all the right places  
while I tell him about my skip-capture disaster _du jour_.

Then, as I pause, Elliott floors me by saying he interviewed today as an alarm installer  
at Rangeman.

"Your friend Ranger called me," Elliott's smile teases. "He said he has good luck with  
hiring people after they've been on dates with Morelli."

I glare; I should _never_ have told Ranger why I was hiding from Joe the other night.

Elliott winks. "Oh, don't worry girlfriend. _I'm_ not the one into the 'strong but silent' type."


	25. It Could Happen

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**It Could Happen**

* * *

I open my fridge and jump back. Maybe I'd accidentally entered Mrs. Karwatt's apartment instead of mine.

Because the fridge is stacked with GladWare containers. What the heck? I close and reopen the door  
and they're still there. Possibly they'd been breeding in the dark.

I pull one out slowly; it might be full of body parts. It could happen.

Instead, the label says "Chicken Marsala, one serving" in Ella's unmistakable handwriting.  
I cradle the container like I'd been handed keys to the Ghostbusters' _Ecto1_ Cadillac.

Did Ranger know he'd just saved me from a week of scrounging for dinner?


	26. Isn't That Something

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Isn't That Something**

* * *

"Now isn't that something." Grandma Mazur's dentures clack speculatively, warning me  
not to look. "I wonder how much duct tape he used."

Okay, I have to look. _Huh._ It's my skip Freddy Foruncolo wheeling a wobbling, seated man  
toward Money-Now.

"Stay here," I instruct, dodging across the street.

"Freddy, I'm from Plum Bonds and…." Holy crap! I recognize the seated man. Last night's  
open casket. Freddy's pushing a dead man taped to a chair.

Eddie Gazarra pulls up. "Whoa, that's Buddy Kazmir! Why isn't he at Stiva's?"

"Buddy wants to cash his Welfare check," Freddy earnestly explains.

"Uh…," Eddie blinks.


	27. Suspiciously Smoky

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Suspiciously Smoky**

* * *

I hear _Happy Days _from Mooner's ajar doorway. The Fonz speaks, I knock, the laugh-track goes wild.  
Cue "rolling of eyes."

"Mooner," I call into the suspiciously smoky room. "You forgot your court date again."

"Yeah, but it's the '70s marathon on Channel 11."

Okay this is weird, even for Mooner. He's invisible and his TV is upside down.

I tiptoe around the sofa to see Mooner lolling from his armchair; head hanging down, feet in the air.

"Dudette, you're like totally standing on your head," Mooner blurts.

"Mooner, you're sitting upside-down."

"Oh! _That's_ why the Cheetos keep falling _up_!"


	28. Cockswain on Deck

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, and I make no profit from them._

**Cockswain on Deck**

* * *

"Avast, me hearties, for I be here!" Lula breezes into the bonds office door with a flourish. "Arrrr!"

"Say what now?" Connie goggles mid-nailpolish, while I settle for "huh?"

Lula straightens her turquoise headscarf, then declares, "Scurvy lubbers, where be donuts? Have we no grog?" Lula's hoop earrings sway in enthusiasm.

Lester strolls in and Lula proclaims, "Ahoy, Cockswain on deck."

As I mouth "Cockswain?" Lester laughs, then catches my eye. "Aye wench," he grins, "Happy _Talk Like a Pirate Day_." Winking he adds, "Though some 'cocks' _never_ wane."

Connie hurls her nailpolish unerringly at Lester's crotch.

"Arrrr," Lester buckles.

* * *

_And yes, September 19th is "Talk Like a Pirate Day," cause for amusing overheard conversations in my neighborhood. "Cockswain" is an older and British (and happily pirate approved) spelling for coxswain. _These days, I hear people pronounce it more like "cox-en" but I imagine that, like me, Lula would be most likely to pronounce it as spelled. _Arrrr me buckos, enjoy!_


	29. Top Ten List

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, product trademarks belong to their acknowledged owners, and I make no profit from any of them. These writing bon-bons are purely for enjoyment, and to limber the muse. _

**Top Ten List**

* * *

"Ten!" Connie shouts. "A hookup in every 7-11."

"Nine!" Lula exclaims. "Truffles always like your outfit."

"Eight!" Connie responds. "No condom negotiations!"

"Amen," Lula laughs. "Where were we?" Connie holds up fingers. "Oh. Seven!  
Stephanie, your turn."

"Chocolate, duh!"

"Says it all," Connie laughs. "Six! Nobody expects a candy bar to call you back."

"Kinda weak, homegirl," Lula comments. "Five! That M&amp;M cartoon guy is really _large_."

Even I snort.

"Four, three and two: Cadbury, Ghirardelli, _and_ Dove."

"One!" Lula shouts, "Steph's turn,"

"Ranger!" I blurt.

He smiles from the doorway. "Ladies, no way is chocolate better than sex."


	30. The Perfect Gesture

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, product trademarks belong to their acknowledged owners, and I make no profit from any of them. Purely for my muse's enjoyment; there may be errors. _

**The Perfect Gesture**

* * *

Rounding Camden on the last leg to Trenton, it comes to me. The perfect gesture. Exiting 95, I reverse course.

My trip just became closer to eight hours long. Yeah, I'm whipped. Two years ago this would've been a foolish distraction.

But that was before I met my Babe. For her, I'm driving all night from Fort Bragg. Yesterday's briefing ran late and I promised to help surveil today's morning shift break at Trenton Pharmaceuticals. So here I am.

I park my car in the pre-dawn, and smile. They've abandoned Newark, but Krispy Kreme is open for business in Bensalem.

* * *

_In honor of November 5, National Doughnut Day... need I say more?_


	31. Uncomfortably Familiar

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. This is just a small sabbatical for my muse and there may be errors._

**Uncomfortably Familiar**

* * *

I even brought flowers.

Not that it matters, since it's movie night at Cupcake's place. Yeah, I need a different endearment after overhearing Steph dismiss cupcakes as imitation desserts. But I digress.

So here I am, wedged between Steph and Elliott as movie credits play.

_Spy._ What a movie. I kept imagining it was Steph (though Steph is much slimmer and sexier) bumbling her way through danger. Unexpectedly competent, with a handsome, sidelined partner and a muscle-bound idiot as her sidekick.

Uncomfortably familiar.

And then at the end she's in bed with the muscular idiot?! Jeez, do they feed women these things?


	32. It's Not What You Think

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Playtime for the muse, and there may be errors._

**It's Not What You Think**

* * *

The first step is to admit the problem. So: my name is Elliott Benson and middle-aged women love me.

And, until recently this _was_ a problem. Because... _so_ not interested, girlfriend.

Then I met Mrs. Plum.

Stop laughing; it's not what you think. Through her I met Stephanie. Now I'm never bored. Through Stephanie I met Ranger. Now I'm employed. Through Ranger I met Woody. Now I have dinner and dancing.

Who knew?

Yeah, I also met Hector and he scares the piss outta me.

And, bonus: he terrifies our middle-aged female customers. Who love me. My job is secure.


	33. Maybe I Have Business

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. A little treat for the muse; there may be errors._

**Maybe I Have Business**

* * *

That's my Babe exiting a Rangeman Bronco in front of Plum Bonds. She leans into the passenger window to finish her conversation, showing off her shapely legs, while I scan the Rangeman vehicle assignment list.

Ah. Benson _comma_ Elliott.

Hmm, Stephanie told Elliott that she's still car-less, instead of me. She must still be on hiatus from heterosexual temptation.

Fortunately I'm not on that same program. In fact, I think maybe I have business with Vinnie near closing time today. And maybe it's time to test drive my Carrera convertible.

I smile. This could be a fun evening after all.


	34. I Used to Worry

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. My muse wanted a little light entertainment; there may be errors._

**I Used to Worry**

* * *

You can never leave the 'Burg. The Gazzaras tried, but only escaped two blocks outside the boundary. Just a block from Steph's building, which Eddie now passes on his way to work.

So, today I get to hear about the handsome guy in a Rangeman truck who picked her up for work. Lean with light brown hair. Probably her new BFF Elliott.

Great. I used to worry about Ranger slipping between the sheets whenever Steph and I were on the outs. Now she's replaced me with a guy who's not even interested in her sheets.

Why am I not relieved?


	35. One More Guy

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Gentle aerobics for the muse; there may be errors._

**One More Guy**

* * *

Sheesh. I _knew_ I'd get an earful having Elliott drive me to Plum Bonds this morning, after my recent car flambée.

"Ooh girlfriend," Lula enthuses as I enter, "who's the new hotness you're hiding behind those tinted truck windows?"

"Yeah," Connie lowers her _Cosmo_. "When you gonna introduce the next bachelor contestant?"

"Cripes," Vinnie grumbles from his darkened office. "Not _another_ boyfriend."

"Mmm," Joyce Barnhardt's unmistakable, treacle purr emerges from Vinnie's doorway. "This must mean that Ranger's very busy... or _very_ available," she smirks. "Interesting."

"Nah," Lula snorts. "What's _interesting_ is that there's one more guy you won't be getting."


	36. Are We Really Testing?

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Alas. Though my muse benefits greatly by playing with them. Oh yeah, trademarks belong to their owners, and there may be errors._

**Are We Really Testing?**

* * *

Surrendered to the breeze, my hair whirls like I'm in a speedboat with James Bond, like I'm Wonder Woman airborne again.

Like I'm in Ranger's passenger seat after work, headed toward Mercer County Park.

Okay, not complaining, but are we really testing his sportscar? Or testing my resolve? Because… Netflix at home? Not even a close second to driving in Ranger's convertible. I want independence. But must I fly solo?

Here's the truth: I do want to fly.

_Sigh. _And yes, I do want to jump his bones.

"Still off men, Babe?"

And he knows it, darn his smug eyebrow.


	37. Who is This?

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Though my muse apparently enjoys playing with them._

**Who is This? **

* * *

Ranger floors me. First he nabs my popcorn. Then he tosses a handful in his mouth while driving back to Trenton.

Well, _first_ he buys me a cheesy dog and root beer. Then he shows me around the park. And _now_ he eats buttered popcorn.

Who is this man?

The music playlist seems like Ranger's. The car is definitely Ranger's. The smirk? Ranger's. I have to check. "Popcorn? Is the temple closed?"

"Two minutes of boxing or fifteen crunches to burn that off, Babe."

Okay, undoubtedly Ranger. Just… not Batman, commando, _gangstah_, or boardroom Ranger. Kinda like… _fun_ Ranger.

_Whoa._


	38. A Fun Time

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them, and there may be errors. My muse says "Hi." _

**A Fun Time **

* * *

Steph is giggling in the passenger seat and I'm laughing out loud by the story's end—another slapstick Plum Bond office screwup. Painful if told by anyone else, it's comic gold in my Babe's retelling.

And it hits me: I've honestly enjoyed this evening.

My plan was to give Steph a fun time after work. And yeah, to tempt her shamelessly with a fast ride in a hot car with... well, me.

But once again, she's artlessly turned the tables, with her full-tilt approach to life and her cockeyed perspectives. And now it's me who's tempted, wanting more than just tonight.


	39. The Right Thing

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. When I'm finished I promise to put them back even better than they were before... but not just yet. Patience, my friends._

**The Right Thing **

* * *

"Thanks Ranger," Steph's voice teases my awareness as though her words are lapping against my skin. "I had fun."

"I'm glad." Mission accomplished, I steel my resolve and move toward her elevator, belatedly obscuring another way I'm the man of steel tonight. "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning."

"Are you sure?" she breathes. _Here it comes... steady soldier_. "Um, did you want to stay tonight?"

_Hell yes._ But I've blown this before. She's still unsure. If I stay, it's just another night of disavowable pleasure.

"It's late Babe," I deflect, "sleep tight."

Damn, doing the right thing is a _bitch_.


	40. Just Sayin'

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Errors may follow, as my muse freely plays. _

**Just Sayin'**

* * *

Connie has a box of donuts on her counter. Making a beeline, I grab the first jelly-filled. "Omigod," I moan. "I _so_ needed that," the pastry muffles my words. After another bite, the donut is gone. Reaching, I grab the last Boston Cream.

"So, I take it that _was_ Ranger's truck, just now, dropping you off?" Connie's voice is casually blasé.

"Mmm hmm," I admit.

"Damn!" Lula passes Connie a dollar. "Well, why you jonesing for those sugar hormones then, girl?"

Wiping my mouth, I blurt, "Because... Ranger."

"Girlfriend, maybe you should reconsider that 'being off men' thing. Just sayin'."

* * *

_A little late.. this is in honor of one of the calendar's highest dessert holidays: National Donut Day (1st Friday in June)._


	41. Do-Over

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Warning: Muse at play, errors may follow. _

**Do-Over**

* * *

"That ain't even a real game. You made that up," Lula protests.

"Sure is," Connie huffs. "I saw it on TV."

"Yeah, that makes it real. Like Snooki is real... Okay, bad example," Lula shrugs.

"It's fun," Connie insists. "I'll start. If I'm with anyone, _anywhere_ but here, I choose Channing Tatum in Aruba."

"Okay," Lula concedes. "I gotta go with Blair Underwood in Jamaica. Or anywhere under _that _wood…." Lula's eyes glaze.

"Yeah, see?" Connie smirks. "Your turn Steph."

Great. It's last night's dream all over again. Ranger in Hawaii. With suntan lotion...

No fair! I want a do-over.


	42. Locker Artist

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them, and there may be errors._

**Locker Artist**

* * *

Shaking my head, I tear another clipping from my TPD locker. Today's magazine wisdom: "The cupcake invokes a sense of wholesomeness and nostalgia, though for a past never experienced…." _Gee, thanks for that. _

Well, I guess it's better than last week's 8-by-10 glossy photo of a torched car. Or the cover of _He's Just Not That Into You_, with a magic markered "S" in front.

Like I hadn't figured _that_ out.

I wonder... after I find the anonymous locker artist, should I thank him or shoot him?

_Or her_, I squint as I spy Robin Russell darting into the breakroom.

* * *

_My muse notes that the locker wisdom paraphrases a widely re-quoted excerpt from an opinion piece in _The Guardian_ that had nothing to do with cupcakes, beyond leveraging their quaint cuteness as a scathing extended metaphor. Ah, pity the poor cupcake: a charming and fun-sized dessert that becomes meaningful for the wrong reasons. :D_


	43. Surprise or Admiration

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them, trademarks belong to their respective owners, and there may be errors. Because muses can be that way._

**Surprise or Admiration**

* * *

"Well, shee-it," Woody drawls as we pull into the garage. I can't tell if it's surprise or admiration. Following his gaze I suddenly understand.

Because there's my boss, Ranger, stripped down to shorts and a muscle shirt, polishing his red Carrera. "Shee-it," I echo, eyes wide. It's like a Porsche advertisement done Chippendales style.

Nudging me, Woody confides, "Elliott, only two things make a busy man like that detail his own chrome: losing' a bet or courtin' his honey." Woody smirks. "My money's on the latter."

"Mine's there, too." Knowing he'll appreciate the pun I add "Because Stephanie? She it."


	44. I'll Wait

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE, I make no profit from any of them, and there may be errors. My muse is unruly._

**I'll Wait**

* * *

"Ranger, I can't go on that drive you planned for tonight." My Babe is close to tears on the phone.

Now, my cars _are_ outstanding, but bypassing a joyride can't be why she's upset. So I just say, "That's fine. I'll still pick you up."

"Okay," her voice is muffled. "I'm at the dump on Patterson." As I mobilize for the probable bond retrieval I'm walking into, she adds, "Can you bring clothes? I got pushed into sewage." She sniffles. "That was my last suit!"

Alright, time to man-up. I'll wait while she showers, then we're headed to Quakerbridge Mall.


	45. Another Work Day

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Just the joy that my muse gets from having really interesting imaginary friends._

**Another Work Day**

* * *

"Oh _no_ girlfriend! Moogie Muganski did _not_ escape after landing you in the doody," Lula rises to my honor.

"Meanwhile," Vinnie drones, "yet another day expires before I recoup his bond."

"_Stugats_," Connie hisses.

Oh yeah, now I remember why I'd wanted to play hooky this morning. But Ranger had been back in his normal truck, behind shades in his Rangeman jacket. _Just another work day, people._ So here I am with Connie, reviewing skip paperwork.

_Hmm_, how many cars does Ranger really have? Which one will he drive tonight?

"You in there?" Connie asks. Oh jeez, I gotta focus.


	46. Who Knew

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them, and there may be errors._

**Who Knew**

* * *

Woody grins. "Ready for some fun, Elliott?"

We're outside of Plum Bonds, on pickup duty, so I'm unsure how to answer. "Okay," I finally venture, trying to forget last week's visit. If you're wondering, glitter is not a good look on black chinos.

Meanwhile, Woody strides in like he's arriving for poker under the gaze of Belle, barkeep with a heart of gold.

Belle, I mean Connie, grabs our bond receipts. "You just missed Ranger," she smirks. "Unlike Vinnie." A bowling trophy sails from the back office, crashing through a string of swearwords.

"Wow, who knew Vinnie bowled?" Lula asks.


	47. Accident Prone

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Alas._

**Accident Prone**

* * *

"But sir, you can't be _Stephanie_," the clerk's voice trembles under Tank's glare.

Leaning back, amused, I watch my second's shoulders bunch and wonder: would the cop-shop's yellowed plexiglass withstand Tank's famous haymaker?

"You're obviously new," Tank glowers. "Just make the receipt to Stephanie Plum," Tank rumbles like an earthquake.

"Uh... okay," the clerk mumbles. "Defendant... Muganski… Recovery Agent… Plum," his writing hand shakes.

"What the...?" Morelli strolls in. "Ranger, your skip's covered in snot."

"He's accident prone," I smile. "He helped Steph slip into sewage yesterday, and slipped at the mucilage factory today."

"Ah," Morelli nods appraisingly. "Accidents happen."


	48. You Hadn't Heard

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. My muse is mumbling something about the creative process and how there may be errors._

**You Hadn't Heard**

* * *

Lula's ready to tackle any escapees. So, I smooth my skirt, prep my beauty pageant smile, and march into Elvin Crumpler's office.

"Stephanie Orr," Elvin's gaze oozes along my legs. "It's been too long."

_Yeah, not long enough_. "It's Stephanie Plum now. Surprised you hadn't heard."

"I heard," his grin widens as I approach his desk. "But what's in a name?"

I don't flinch as his grabby hand reaches toward me. And then, _snick_, I lock the cuff around his wrist. "The name's _Plum_, like Vinnie Plum. As in: you skipped bail."

_Oh, and my eyes are up here, Elvin._


	49. Are Those Chinos?

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Muse at play; there may be errors._

**Are Those Chinos?**

* * *

"Mmm, it's the 911 Turbo tonight, girlfriend," Lula teases from her perch by the window. "Sleek, dark and mysterious. Like someone we know."

"Someone Vinnie knows," Connie arches her penciled brow. "The weasel just scooted out the back door."

"Yeah, I don't think our man is here for Vinnie tonight."

I overcome my studied indifference to peek. There's Ranger, striding from his car in aviators, all in black. But, are those chinos? Is that a button-down shirt? Holy cow, those look like loafers. Who knew they made those in black?

The door opens; I blot my drool.

"Babe, let's roll."


	50. Best Feature

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them, more's the pity, though my muse delights in their company. And, oh yeah, there may be errors._

**Best Feature**

* * *

"I'm so glad I saw the flyer for this today," Stephanie enthuses as we walk from my Turbo. With a shrug, I accept that the best feature of tonight's plans was that I could scuttle them immediately after picking her up.

With me in chinos and her in heels, we're overdressed: Strayer University "Thursday Throwback" movies are shown in a gymnasium.

But when the lights dim, the magic begins. Because—though usually I'd have to kill anyone who'd seen me here—I wouldn't miss a minute of Steph, rapt on a folding chair, savoring _Toy Story_ in a room of college students.


	51. Helpfully

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. My stubborn muse was lured to attention by discovering that November 20 will be National Peanut Butter Fudge Day. And yeah, there may be errors._

**Helpfully**

* * *

"Three scoops of peanut butter fudge, with whipped cream and sprinkles."

Elliott goggles; I guess he's not used to Plum lunchtime. "So girlfriend, why are we doubling down on sugar today?"

"Men," I mumble around my first mouthful, aiming my spoon for the next. "Ranger," I add helpfully.

Well not so helpfully, I guess, as Elliott frowns. "Ranger, who lives on whey shakes and granola made you eat dessert?"

"No. Sugar hormones," I blurt between bites. "To stay off men."

"Why?"

_Huh. Good question…._

"I mean," Elliott winks, "there are more fun ways to get your daily 'salty and sweet'."


	52. Just Friends

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. There may be errors._

**Just Friends**

* * *

"Amateurs," Hector growls at the junction box, his steely glare a death sentence for the prior security contractor's bad soldering.

"Elliott," he barks. "Crimpers." I hand them over and prepare wire caps, having serviced enough failed alarm boxes to know the drill. "So, lunch with _jefe's_ girlfriend?" Hector probes. "She try to make boss jealous?"

"Yeah, we had lunch. Well 'girl talk' over ice cream." Recalling Hector's obsessive loyalties, I assert, "Ranger knows Stephanie and I are just friends."

"Is why you still alive," he grins happily while stripping a wire with scalpel precision.

I worry sometimes that he's serious.


	53. Role Model

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. My muse is distracted; thus there may be errors._

**Role Model**

* * *

"Yo homegirl," Lula interrupts. "You passed the PoPo, which normally I'd applaud except we gotta get Swampthing outta the backseat and rebooked."

"Crud," I mutter into a U-turn. My job seriously interferes with my thinking time.

Like thinking about: I went to a movie with Batman! It was like a date! It could've maybe been more…. But I'm off men. This is a fundamental conflict. What would Wonder Woman do?

_Hmm_, you know, I've _been_ Wonder Woman. I plummeted to a leotard sprawl on the Kruzak's roses.

And wait: her love life is crap. I need a better role model!


	54. Fun to Pretend

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Another "finger exercise" for a distracted muse. Thus there may be errors._

**Fun to Pretend**

* * *

"Is not," I glare at Lula.

"Is too," her earrings bob with the vehemence of her reply. Arms crossed, we're bookends of righteousness.

Tapping her talking Jersey Shore pen, which mercifully has stopped spewing Pauly quotes, Connie sighs. "Steph, you know she's right."

"Is not."

"Jeez, stubbornness _is_ your superpower," Connie glares. "But Lula's got a point. It's fun to pretend being Wonder Woman…."

"Or Storm," Lula interjects.

"Yeah, whatever," Connie continues. "But Steph, pretending to be other people keeps you from being yourself." She stops a beat. "Be your own superhero for once."

_Whoa._ Connie is Yoda. Who knew?


	55. Gateways

_The Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit from any of them. Please excuse my muse and me for the probable errors._

**Gateways**

* * *

"Mr. Manoso, I need your signature on this line," the Trenton PD clerk pushes my carry permit renewal form back under the partition.

Usually I don't miss details like that. Of course, I hadn't planned to do this today. But who could blame me for lingering in the Records line while listening to the conversation behind me.

"I'm giving up subtlety, Joe just doesn't get it," Robin Russell grouses.

"Invite him to Pino's tonight," her friend giggles. "Pizza and lots of beer: gateways to a detective's heart."

They laugh; I smile.

People sometimes misunderstand when I say I'm an opportunist.


	56. Since When

_Okay, so I missed National Margarita Day... but you work with what you've got.__ Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit. __Muse at play, errors likely._

**Since When**

* * *

Robin Russell and Sharon Verdoljak pass my desk, giggle, then keep walking. I check: no lunch in my teeth. Next, Joe Junior is zipped. Finally, I'm not still wearing pyjamas like in a nightmare. It's life's little checklist.

"Joe," Robin turns back, her crisp uniform caressing her figure. "Joining us tonight at Pino's? It's Margarita Night."

Okay, so I might not be Mensa material, but since when have detectives been invited to patrolman's night out? Then, noting her coy smile, I finger the appetizer coupon that's appeared fortuitously under today's case report on my blotter.

_Well... huh._

"Sure, sounds great."


	57. Comfort Food

_In honor of April 2, National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. __Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit. Hungry muse;__ errors likely._

**Comfort Food**

* * *

I open the cabinet. Yes! Behold the peanut butter jar! Comfort food; dinner is guaranteed.

Except… it's empty. Fridge check: not much jelly either. Not even Rex could make a satisfying meal from this. And now Rex's squinty glare reminds me: Joe threw away my peanut butter last time I lived with him. Yeah, okay, time has passed; it's peanut butter under the bridge, as it were. But you just don't forget something like that.

_Sigh._ Tonight I see two choices: mooch a meal at mom's or buy dinner at Pino's. I grab my keys. I'll decide on the way.


	58. Popcorn

_Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit. My muse says errors are likely._

**Popcorn**

* * *

"Hell, that can't be good." I follow Woody's gaze and… oh yeah. Looking left from Pino's pickup counter, I see Joe Morelli sharing a tipsy, elbow entwined drink with a familiar-looking ladyfriend. Meanwhile, Stephanie Plum just entered.

Now, I'm reasonably new to this soap opera, but I know enough to recognize a Stephanie "rhino" moment about to happen. It's also dawning on me that we'd seen Ranger's truck as we came in.

Stephanie heads our way. Then she stops, turns, and squints in Joe's direction.

"Woody, I see two choices: run like hell or get popcorn."

"Popcorn it is, hoss."


	59. I Stop

_Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit. Muse at play; errors are likely._

**I Stop **

* * *

I stop. I squint. And it's not because of Pino's shadows.

No, it's because Joe and Robin Russell are at the corner table, laughing with arms and margaritas tangled as they slosh between drinking and spilling. While half of Pino's watches.

You've gotta be kidding!

Fuming, I start their way. But wait… there's Woody and Elliott getting takeout. And I realize Elliott— and now Ranger— picks me up for work. Not Joe. And I remember, oh yeah, recent evenings at Shorty's with Rangemen and beer.

It's been weeks since I've really spoken with Joe.

I stop. _Huh. _

Good luck, Robin.


	60. She Stops

_Stephanie Plum character(s) belong to JE and I make no profit. All hail the muse, who has shrugged to wakefulness._

**She Stops **

* * *

She stops, her attention like a panther who's spotted her prey. Motionless but for the Molotov fury in her eyes, the fisted hands on her hips, the gauntlet toss of her hair.

She squints.

I inhale. _It's on._

A mercenary shadow behind Pino's service door, I'm ready. If there's a brawl I'll rescue her. Tears? I'll be the shoulder for solace. 'Burg censure? I'll be the uncompromising inducement to desist.

I know my Babe and I'm prepared for everything. Except…

She stops. Speculation, realization, a wry shrug. She turns away.

Oh.

I've underestimated her.

Leaning back, I smile. _It's on_.


End file.
